There are numerous factors that contribute to being childfree, choice and circumstance being two main themes. Sometimes infertility or adoption attempts can prevent someone from having children while other times, people simply decide parenthood isn’t what they want. Either scenario has started conversations surrounding whether it is appropriate to ask strangers, family, or friends why they don’t have kids.
The voluntary choice to not have children can come with judgment and criticism from individuals who either disagree or cannot understand not wanting to be parents. Constant prodding and questioning can bring about feelings of stress or even annoyance because you can begin to feel like you have to defend your decision. Unfortunately, we cannot prevent individuals from asking questions so we listed a few tips and responses to consider when these situations arise.
Reframing
As a society, we have certain traditions and expectations surrounding partnership and following a certain order of events during the course of life, for example you date, then get married, buy a house, and then start a family which typically includes having kids. Sometimes understanding and reframing what prompts questions about a childfree life can help alleviate feelings of judgment and criticism because they aren’t always asked out of malice, but out of being socialized to believing that everyone wants to become parents.
Reframing is also a great way to change the conversation topic away from specific questions about your choice to be childfree. For example, instead of answering the question posed to you, ask them a question in return. This could be anything from “Why did you choose to have kids?” to “Why is it important to you that I have kids?” These questions can open up the opportunity to talk about societal expectations and the acceptance that is needed when someone chooses a different path.
Being Straightforward
Not everyone is comfortable being blunt or is open to answering questions about their choice to be childfree but being straightforward has been found to be helpful in explaining why the questions are unwanted or inappropriate. A simple response of “No, I’m not having kids” or “Parenthood is just not for me” is sufficient in getting your point across, however, these may elicit more questions that you then have a choice to answer or not. Everyone is not privy to a detailed explanation on how you came to your decision so make sure to choose the response that best represents your boundaries.
No Regret
A very common response to choosing a childfree life is “You might regret not having kids later on.” And while there is no correct response to this phrase, the chances of regret are actually pretty low. Individuals who choose to be childfree don’t make the decision lightly and have given plenty of thought to how their lives would look with or without the presence of kids. Sometimes flipping that response can actually provide more clarity on your decision: What if I have a child and regret it? The responsibility and dedication required to raising children is not lost on anybody and shouldn’t be forced on them either.
Whether you know someone who is choosing to be childfree or you have made the decision yourself, it is important to remember to respect everyone’s choices and that we aren’t owed an explanation for the decision to not want children regardless of our stance on the matter. If you are struggling to decide whether you want to be a parent, consider contacting a mental health professional who can assist and provide support through the decision-making process.
